I am a 20-year-old trans man who’s been transitioning for the past 3 years, and as a former shy kid, confidence was often seen as something out of reach. The very thought of going up in front of a classroom to speak was... frankly put, a death wish to me. However, once all the puzzle pieces fell into place and the ‘Eureeka’ moment of knowing I was trans occurred, I began dressing and presenting in ways that made me feel glimpses of that joy and confidence I had been previously chasing. But, even with this, I continued to overanalyse my appearance and body to an extremely unhealthy extent.
The transition process for me, was a constant nit-pick of every detail of myself that I wish I had/didn't have. And this, surprisingly I know, completely shattered my confidence. But after 3 long years, I finally felt like I was in a place where I could begin to regain that confidence and sexuality. And thus, my pole journey began.
I would like to start off by saying that this decision to jump into pole dancing did not come about easily. In fact, it took me two years to finally pursue it seriously. So less like jumping in and more like slowly wading down the steps of a pool. If you are a trans person, then I am sure you understand the amount of time and money it takes to become comfortable in your own skin. So, the thought of putting that body which has caused me so much anxiety and pain on show to face all sorts of possible criticisms and judgements was, to say the least, terrifying. But that's exactly why I chose to do pole dancing.
Going outside of your comfort zone is arguably one of the best ways to grow and gain confidence as a person, so it's no surprise that it's literally one of the most stress-inducing things you can do. I remember having to give myself a pep talk in my car for 10 minutes before going into my first class so I wouldn’t just drive away. But in order to grow and gain confidence, it's a necessary thing. I knew that the level of hatred I felt for myself was not healthy, and having the added bonus of working at a company where we praise and preach for trans people to be proud of their identity, it made this feeling feel laughably ironic. But I’m pleased to say that now after four months of pole, I’ve truly never felt more confident in myself and my body. In fact, I moved out recently and made one of my top priorities to install a pole in my flat.
Taking the first step will always be the most challenging part of trying something new, the thought of failure or embarrassment can be overwhelming at times. But the rewards and self-discovery you can gain are priceless. It’s something that I will never stop recommending and pushing for people to do. In truth, starting this hobby also led me to realising all the restrictions I had forcibly put onto myself to fit into the ‘acceptable’ trans person category, which further caused my lack of confidence. One of these was forcing myself to reject femininity.
Now what is femininity? Stated by the reliable source known as Wikipedia, femininity is ‘a set of attributes, behaviours, and roles generally associated with women and girls.’ These can be influenced by both cultural and biological factors.
If you’ve had to deal with any negativity from family, friends or even strangers due to transitioning, one of the easiest ways to prove them wrong, I found, was to swear off anything which may cause concern of your seriousness. This includes anything feminine. For example; cutting your hair, wearing nothing colourful, hiding your figure, not wearing makeup etc. After dealing with these thoughts, I found myself being confined into a sphere of what I could and could not do in order to prove myself as worthy of basic respect and acknowledgement. However, this constant disregard of femininity can bring about an underlying hatred of anything feminine or even throwing prejudice against other trans people for embracing it themselves. And in recent times where trans people are being used as political pawns, respecting how others choose to embrace themselves within the community itself should be placed on high priority.
I’m not lying when I say simply wearing my attire to pole made me: 1) feel the most feminine I have in my life (even pre-transition) and, 2) made me feel the most confident I have ever felt in my life. To give you a rough idea, my pole attire is as follows: Tight shorts (basically underwear), a tank top and 9’’ heels. I know what you’re thinking and yes, I look magnificent. But the thing that took me most by surprise was the realisation that embracing femininity actually gave me confidence and a sense of security within myself rather than taking it away. I also got majorly lucky with who my classmates were.
To this day they have not asked once about how I choose to identify and have showed me respect and kindness regardless -even when my obvious lack of parts are on show. I distinctly remember getting into my car after class and releasing the biggest sigh of relief. The last thing I would want is for others to be uncomfortable with my presence. This thought process was actually one of the other primary reasons for the big two year delay.
I had many people tell me the following: People won’t notice that your body is ‘different’ / people won’t care. However, people will judge you, that is a fact. We all pass judgement on strangers that we see whether that be positive or negative. However, I believe having confidence comes from recognising that people will pass judgement on you but choosing to try regardless. It isn’t about not caring what other people think, it is rather caring about the right people.
Let’s start off by saying that this is MUCH easier said than done. There is no timeline for gaining confidence and understanding your worth. Although it would be lovely to wake up one day spiritually enlightened, unfortunately it's a lifelong journey.
We as people have a deeply human desire to fit in. So, to go against an expected path and instead pursue what makes you happy becomes somewhat challenging. And let's be honest, being transgender is basically like putting a bulldozer on that pathway, watching it be destroyed, and then having to rebuild it brick by brick with other people watching and waiting for you to screw up. But keep in mind, the beauty of it is that you can re-build that pathway however you want.
I found there to be so much pressure to be the ‘acceptable’ trans man that I became a shell of myself in constant worry of other people’s perceptions of me. I lived like this for years, and to be frank, it was exhausting. To put so much time and energy into caring about people who don’t even know you, can cause you to lose focus on the people who do matter and on yourself.
I have a very small selection of people who I truly love and care for. They have continuously been there for me throughout my life, push me to be the best version of myself, and are people I admire and learn from. If you have people like this around you, to help relieve the worry of strangers I am going to suggest the most basic advice. Talk to them and listen. And I mean actively listen to them and take what they say onboard. Recognise that these people in your life should be the only people's opinions that you take seriously. The person that shouted a slur at you on the street doesn’t know who you are, they took the bare minimum information that they could gather from your attire/physique/attraction and formed a version of you that doesn’t exist. Their opinion on you does not dictate your worth and never will. You are the only one with the power to do that.
I was terrified to walk into that first pole class, it felt like a massive step, but after the first time it gradually got easier and easier until I felt no fear. My confidence grew each time, and with that, so did the trust I had within myself rather than a few opinions of strangers.
Regaining confidence within yourself is not an easy task, it takes persistence and action. It doesn’t matter how big the first step is, so please don’t feel like you need to start pole dancing to gain confidence! Everyone is different and what might work for me may not work for you. It only matters that you take the step. Whether that be wearing something that you have always wanted to but have been too afraid, joining a club, or getting into therapy. Take the step. And hey, you may find that it doesn’t work but then take that as a learning experience and try something else. Don’t give up on yourself, we are all worthy of the love that resides within us.
